Why I dont like the sea

- Have you never seen the movie Jaws???
- I have frizzy hair, beaches are not GHD friendly
- Children wee in the sea
- Adults wee in the sea
- Fish wee in the sea
- Birds flying over the sea wee in it (okay that might not be a fact)
- Fish shit in the sea
- Children shit in the sea (of course thats a fact!)
- All sorts of things live and die and mate (possibly why its so salty) in the sea

Give me a pool with tons of wee neutralising chlorine any day! Glykeria and her friends were astounded that I chose the hotel pool over the sea. Since they swam in the sea Glykeria's ear has been sore and she is going to the doctor tomorrow, I bet if he sent a sample to the lab they would find some DNA that would be a perfect match with an Air France passenger

Clubbing in Athens

I am finally certain that I am Greek. Went clubbing last night and for the first time ever I was ready to go out on time; my hair was straight, I had a full face of makeup, my nails were painted, I was wearing jewellery, I had my shoes on and was sipping on a glass of vino waiting for the girls to pick me up. Lets view the same scenario in South Africa: girls are hooting for the umpteenth time, I'm trying to finish doing my hair, no time for makeup so just slap on some eyeliner and mascara, screw it no time to put any jewellery on, girls hoot again, I run to the door with my shoes in my hands and smudge my nailpolish. Whats the difference? The south african girls arranged to fetch me at 8:30pm but they are 15 minutes early, the greek girls arranged to fetch me at 11:30pm and they are 15 minutes late!!! I'm definitely greek.
Its Choleva's birthday (thats her surname, but there are so many Katerina's in the social circle that they get distinguished by their surname) and we are at Delano Club in Glyfada. It's a summer club, has no roof and overlooks the sea, really nice couches and fancy bars. In order to sit on the couches you need to book a table (which means pay for a bottle of alcohol that the people around the table will share, yes athens alcohol prices), if you dont book and buy a bottle you aint sitting. Four girls and a bottle of Amaretto, this is going to be a good night! One of the girls assumes the role of fancy barlady..... rubs a slice of lemon around the top of the glass, swirls it in some sugar, pops the lemon in the glass, adds a few ice cubes, pours a generous amount of Amaretto but then dilutes it with way too much lemon juice (which tastes more like lemonade and is the first sign that we are not going to get out of hand). I teach the first glass a quick lesson and am about to pour myself another one when more ice cubes and lemon juice fill my glass... two drops of already diluted Amaretto, more ice cubes and lemon juice just aint gonna cut it, let me get drunk girls!!!
So we're sitting on the couches drinking Oros when the remixed 80's music starts (very big in greece... almost as big as big in japaaaaaan), the crowd goes wild, the girls jump up to dance (around the table cause there is no dancefloor), hold on, i'm way too sober to 'want somebody to daaaaaance' *sung in my best Whitney voice*. this is the kind of music they play at Tight Beaver at 5am to get people to go home, but of course when you have had enough to drink you just loooooooove the song thats playing and you're loving all the free space on the dancefloor to show off your new old moves, the only way to get you to stop is to suggest breakfast at bimbo's. This kind of music sober is really not the same, oh and lets not forget the chorus (the only part the crowd knows) is sung with a heavy greek accent * i tzust wunt sumbudy too dans*
I spot some familiar faces in the crowd.. .the couple that needs to get a room (the Helleniko Hotel is rumoured to be just the place), the skinny girls that definitely dont throw bimbos down their throats at any time of the day or night, the ugly girl who has demolished her eyebrows in the hope that it will make her beautiful (yes i kept staring at her eyebrows), the boy who thinks he is the shit (fists up under his chin, elbows pushed out, bopping up and down and lifting his knees high, with each bop he pushes his chest and hips out, yeah i know you've seen him all over fourways too). No talent in the crowd tonight (thinking I might have to lower the standards or I'll never fulfill Liezl's 10 rule), at least in SA we could drink the boys pretty
A lot of boys are wearing shirts with rhinetones (yes i know sparkly shirts are for girls), slightly disturbing to see the boys with sparkles jumping around singing Brother Louis Louis Louis (if i was drunk i would be in heaven, a haze of sparkles and cheesy music!)
No one mingles with people they dont know, each group sits around their table the whole night. Long live dancefloors and cheap alcohol in SA where you squeeze your way through the crowd, get smooched along the way by some random hottie and make a new best friend forever in the bathroom (the girls here dont go in groups, everyone goes alone, i know!!!!!)
All in all a good night, would have been the best night ever if we had enough alcohol in our systems to looooove every song, dance with our hands over our heads all night, stumble out the club while the sun rises, munch on greasy food from bimbo's, our voices croakey from all the singing. erm i sound like an alcoholic

Don't talk to strangers

I made a friend on the bus. I was bitching about the rude bus driver in English to my cousin on my cellphone, when the bus reached my stop some random said “this is yourrr stahp sweetie”
“erm, thanks” *knows the rule – don’t talk to strangers!*
“Sooo arrre you frahm England?”
“No, from South Africa”
*walks faster*
“Sooouth Aaafrrrica! Whaht arrre you doing heeerrre?”
“Holiday”
“I’m frrrahm Flaaaaaahrrrrida, in Ameeeerrrica, have you hearrrd of Flaaaaahrrrida?”
*fast walk turns into a trot*
“Who hasn’t heard of Florida?”
“give me yourrr numberrr, maybeeee we’ll go forrr vaycaaaaayshun”
“I just got to Greece, I don’t know my cellphone number”
“Miiissed caaahll me”
*has no back up plan and remembers Liezl’s 10 rule (although he is most certainly not a worthy candidate)*
*dials the random’s number knowing full well that she will regret it*
*gets missed calls from the random all weekend long*
*regrets dialling the randoms number*

The First Good Boy a.k.a The First Attempt at Getting me off the Shelf

My laptop has been broken for a few days, it doesn’t connect to the internet at all (I know! How the flip am I supposed to survive without internet access?? Feels like I’ve been living on another planet for months). So Dimitri (Marianna’s husband) arranged for a friend of his (who knows all about computers) to come fix it.
Dimitri: “You’ll be here on Wednesday at 8:30pm”
Me: “of course! I need the laptop to be fixed pronto”
Dimitri: “Vasili is a good boy”
Me: “…………………………….” *fabulous, just fabulous, he’s trying to marry me off*
So Wednesday comes around and we gather at Dimitri’s house for dinner and to have the laptop sorted out
Dimitri: “Stavroula, sit here next to Vasili”
*rolls her eyelids and sits next to the good boy*
Dimitri: “Stavroula, have some pizza”
*gets up to get herself a slice of pizza*
Dimitri: “Vasili, do you want pizza?”
Vasili: “okay I’ll have some”
Dimitri: “Stavroula, give Vasili some pizza”
*rolls eyes and serves the good boy a slice of pizza just like a good greek girl should*
*Dimitri spots Vasili’s car keys on the table*
Dimitri: “who’s keys are these?”* turns the key over to inspect the badge* “aaah Vasili you have a really good car” *looks at me for a reaction*
*no reaction from me*
Dimitri: “ Stavroula, see this key ring, its from Switzerland, Vasili goes there to ski”
*I remain unphased*
The rest of the evening continued as above, it was a long evening…..
Me: “thanks everyone for a lovely evening, Vasili thank you for fixing the laptop, goodnight”
Dimitri: “Vasili will you walk Stavroula home? You must make sure she gets home safe, she cant walk all that way alone at this time of night, no no it wont do, you must walk with her”
- Please note that I walk home alone every night and it is completely safe to do so, the walk to my house is less than 20 seconds, its literally half a block away

So the good boy is indeed a good boy, but I didn’t come here to meet good boys *makes a note to meet some good girls to introduce the good boy to, and makes special note to get cracking on Liezl's 10 rule*

Things I am loving about Greece

- The shoes here are to die for!!! I popped into Bershka and Zara quickly the other day; the shoes were calling my name and begging to come home with me! Its times like this I wish I had a husband to fight with….
Me:”You’re sleeping on the couch!”
*door slams*
*door opens*
Me: “I hate you!”
*door slams*
*door opens*
Me: “My mother was right about you!”
*door slams*
*two days of silent treatment pass*
Him:”Baby I was wrong, I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you?”
Me:” Weeeeeeeeell we could always go past Bershka and see if they have any new shoes, and then maybe past Zara too”
- I am far from domesticated. I have learnt (on more than one occasion) that washing reds and whites together equals a lot of pink socks. Greece has a wonderful, marvelous, miraculous product called Colour Catcher – it’s a piece of paper that you put in the washing machine with your clothes, it somehow catches the colour, no more sorting clothes before washing them… I told you it’s wonderful, marvelous, miraculous! *makes a note to re-steal the red Captain Morgan t-shirt from Tyrone’s house*. And the washing powder smells so divine…….I swear I have been going out and not just doing laundry!
- I love free stuff. And glitter. If you covered a piece of poo in glitter I would buy it. If you covered a piece of poo in glitter and gave it to me for free I would be your best friend forever! The supermarkets here give you something free every time you buy something; one trip to the supermarket got me a shampoo (plus free conditioner), shower gel (plus free face wipes), magazine (plus free beach bag). The free stuff isn’t just small samples, full sizes people! ……..I swear I have been going out and not just doing laundry and grocery shopping!
- Johnson & Johnson (what do you mean its called Johnson’s now?) has the best shower gel in the world, its called Dreamy Skin, and it really makes your skin, well, dreamy
- Dove shampoo. It smells just like Dove soap and makes your hair look and feel like the girls hair in the Organics Good Hair Day ad
- Vanilla Happy Hippos. They are made by Kinder; chocolate and wafer shaped like hippos. They make me happy *swears she can feel her ass growing*
 Movie Moment: - “Luben, you need to be appy, like ze ippo”
“My name, is RUBEN not Luben, I’m going to kill you!!!!!”
- The Periptero (garage shop on steroids). You will find a periptero on pretty much every corner; from any periptero you can see at least another three. Its basically a small wendy house with a person sitting inside it, the outside (all four sides) is covered in rows of bubble gum, sweets, magazines, ice cream fridges, coodrink fridges, airtime etc etc. They are open 24 hours a day and its completely safe to walk to one at any time of the night to get that strawberry milkshake you are craving (I’m sure I could convince the shoe-buying husband to go while I keep the bed warm). The amazing part is that the person sitting inside cannot see the outside at all and yet no one steals anything!


- Internet access is super cheap. 50 Euros (approx R570) a month for unlimited internet access, and the Greeks think that is expensive!
The mobile phone packages are also brilliant. For 5 Euro (approx R57) a month you get 600 free minutes to talk to friends on the same package. For prepaid users if you run out of airtime you can still recharge your account via sms and the amount gets deducted from the next voucher you buy, you can never run out of airtime!
- Public transport is fairly cheap, easily accessible and readily available. A ticket costs 1 Euro, is valid for all means of public transport (bus, trolley, tram, metro) and is valid for an hour and a half. For example, you can take a bus to from Galatsi to Syntagma (about 30 mins) then take the metro from Syntagma to Glyfada (about 10 mins), say hi and bye then go back the way you came, the ticket is valid for the last leg of your trip even if you exceed the hour and a half, you just need to punch it again before the time is up – and you can do all that with one ticket.

Things I am not liking so much about Greece

- There is graffiti everywhere. And no its not art. Its not the impressive kind of graffiti that really is art, its just scribbles and swear words...... although some graffitti is quite funny

- You don’t have the option of prepaid internet, you need to sign a 12 month contract. At the moment I only have internet access when the neighbours with unsecured networks are online, not very reliable and as you can imagine very frustrating, I am feeling cut off from the world!
- You cant flush toilet paper. You are supposed to throw all toilet paper (yes number 1 and 2) into the dustbin provided (yip I know you just vomited a little bit in your mouth), its got something to do with the plumbing system not being good at all. Ek kan dit NIE doen nie, hulle dink ek doen maar ek KANNIE! *googles ‘plumber + athens’*
- Fanta Blue (its not actually blue, its orange, blue is just the name). Our Fanta is not the same as the Fanta here, they have a bunch of flavours, most of them are pretty good, most of them. After a particularly hot day and extensive trip on the bus I decided to try a Fanta blue to quench my thirst and cool me down*cue slow motion opening of can and droplets spraying, girl lifts can to her mouth, tilts her head back and awaits the sweet taste of relief from the summer heat* BLEEEEEEEGH!!!! Its flat!!!! Flat Fanta! *gets the grills just thinking about it (Afrikaans word not cooking equipment). Its selling point is the fact that its not carbonated. I’m sure Fanta Blue is used to wash the mouth of children who swear and backchat their mothers
- My aunt nags me more than my mother does! she is trying desperately to convince me to get married

Things I need to get used to in Greece

- Traffic comes towards you from the opposite way, very useful info for crossing the road!
- Petrol stations close at night...only one or two stay open but that works on a rotational basis. What do you do if you need petrol late at night???? oh and they call petrol benzine and benzine petrol
- 7pm is considered afternoon, dinner time is around 11pm
- No one likes the sun.... curtains and doors are closed and people stay indoors when the sun is shining. They think I am weird cause I contort my body to get every possible ray of sunshine on me
- Electrical wall sockets dont have on/off switches, you simply plug in an appliance and uplug it, freaks me out every time!
- People switch off their geysers when not in use, you need to remember to switch it on before you shower.... and you need to wait for it to heat up *yawn* and you best remember to switch it off when you are done!
- Women really stay home to cook and clean and look after the children... all the coffee shops are full of groups of men, not a housewife in sight..... Long Live being Single and having people to cook and clean for you!
- Socialising is expensive... a coffee costs 4 euros (apprx R11.50 x 4) and a waffle costs 8 euros. Everyone orders one coffee and sips it real slow
- The apartment blocks are extremely close together (hear-your-neighbour-fart-close)... and everyones mom lives with them... there must be a hellavuh lot of sexually frustrated people running around - no one wonder the people here are so rude!
- People eat way too much here, think supersize at each meal! And its offensive to not eat....I'm going to be as big as a house soon

My Living Arrangements

25 Argostoliou, Galatsi – Kosmeria’s Apartment

My cousin Marianna (Kosmeria’s daughter) lives at 11 Argostoliou, its literally half a block away from number 25. Kosmeria lives with Marianna to help her with her babies, so 25 Argostoliou is all mine! First floor apartment with all the bells and whistles I could wish for. My favourite feature is the balcony, perfect for catching some rays in the afternoon while painting your nails, and for being nosy and seeing what the neighbours are up to (I haven’t actually seen anyone from my building, haven’t heard anyone, starting to think I don’t actually have neighbours , but the neighbours across the road will do….) There are shutters on the windows that let the air in but keep the sunlight out, allows me to sleep in as much as I like (I know I know I should be looking for a job not sleeping all day and painting my nails the rest of the time… work is overrated *puts a 2nd coat of nail polish on*)

11 Argostoliou, Galatsi – Marianna’s Apartment

People living there:
Marianna (very sweet cousin who goes out of her way for me)
Dimitri (Marianna’s husband – very sweet , we like him– gave me a full size bottle of Dolce & Gabbana The One and the matching golden shimmer lotion, we really really like him
Marianna’s kids: Vangeli and Angelina, both very good children (when Angelina is not pinching me! The kid pinches me everytime she sees me!)
Kosmeria: My aunt (my dad’s sister), and the former tenant of my apartment. She is also the babysitter and the chef . As soon as food is ready she phones me to come eat, then I go have a nap then she calls me when the food is ready, then I go have a nap
The best feature at 11 Argostoliou is the neighbour with the unsecured wireless network!!

28 Oktobriou, 44, Vrilissia - Glykeria’s apartment (this is where I’ll be living when I’m not at Kosmero’s apartment)

Really fab apartment, divine bathroom with a spa bath…. I wish Denis was here, he has the best bath parties *makes a mental note to make friends soon*
Glykeria is a crazy cousin from my dad’s side, the biggest party animal you will ever meet, very witty, we are gonna have a blast living together! Everything is going to be suuuuppppeeerrr! The only thing I don’t like is the neighbours pool….. huge bright blue pool in full view from our balcony, you can hear people splashing in it while you roast at 37 degrees Celsius…… we need to make friends with someone who lives in the apartment block next door, I’m prepared to swim and tan topless! Make Greece beautiful :-)

Arriving in Athens

Always carry coins with you.

I arrived at the airport in Athens at 05:30 and had to walk about a kilometre to Baggage Claim, dragging my 10kg hand luggage and 9kg hand bag and 7kg cat along with me (yes I know it should have been less than 7kg in total but I need my stuff!) Really going to wear comfy shoes on the next flight and wont give a shit if they dont match my nailpolish!

My luggage arrived in one piece, hallelujah! Really glad I have a silver makeup kit and bright pink suitcase, spotting them was a breeze. You need to pay 1 euro for a trolley, the smallest denomination I had was a 10 euro note and the machine doesnt accept anything bigger than 5 euro notes - and of course the foreign exchange desk wasnt open (despite the man sitting behind the counter not seeming productive at all). I hung around for about 15 minutes until a very kind lady gave me one of her coins. Always carry coins with you!

Proceeded to Customs... not a soul in sight..... I walked straight through Customs and out of the airport *note to self: smuggle drugs at 05:30am*

Leaving South Africa

So of course I hadnt packed and of course I was running late, story of my life. My mom wailed her head off - bear in mind her flight to Greece is a week after mine and she will be here for two of the four months.....

Said sad goodbyes to everyone and rushed off to get the cat, half way there Hellen asked if I had the injection for the cat.....FAAAAAARK! had to go all the way home to get it, got to the airport extremely late. Rushed to check in to find out that I had 2kg excess baggage, the cat was an extra 7kgs, rushed off to pay for it but the speedpoint kept giving a communication failure..... so between my oh-so-fabulous-life-saving friends we managed to put together R2500, R475 short. The kind man from Olympic eventually let us have a discount, the plane was ready to leave and I hadnt checked in yet!

Rushed to the boarding gates with Hellen squealing and stressing me out, kiss kiss cry cry bye bye....then the Twin got down on one knee and opened a pretty little box....'oh my god you are crazy'.....slipped the ring on my finger, perfect fit, kiss kiss cry cry.... I looked up and saw Hellen, Marianna and Denis gobsmacked.....'k i've got to go bye love you all will miss you all!'

*beep beep* *sms from Denis* 'so are you engaged?'
*beep beep* *sms from Marianna* 'oh my god Stavs thats the most beautiful thing i've ever seen! so are you engaged?'
*beep beep* *sms from Hellen* 'what the hell was that? are you engaged?*
Erm no we're not engaged, its a Twin thing, its kinda an open invitation for when and if either of us grows up and decides to be responsible - no chance of that happening so lets all take a chill pill!

for the record, i love the ring... of course i kept it!!!

enough about my play play engagement.... where were we? oh right, at the boarding gates....
"athens, athens"
"i'm coming!"
"Mam you need to run"
"I cant run with the cat!!!"
"Mam you need to run, you are the last passenger and the plane is ready for take off"
"fuck fuck fuck"
*makes a mental note to never wear pretty heels when there is even the slightest possibility that you may need to run through an airport carrying a 7kg cat*

the flight was pretty good, had 3 seats to myself cause the old man sitting next to me bolted when he saw the cat! slept most of the way and the cat behaved herself